The Interrogator

This post has been coming for some time. Feels like now is as good as any…

I’ve got four kids. Three of them are suspects. Doesn’t matter the crime… I know one of them did it. The fourth? He’s innocent by default. For now. He’s only two weeks old.

Suspect #1. Nia. When directly questioned about infractions (Did you push your brother? Are you up here being silly when you’re supposed to be sleeping?), she will pause… at great length… before answering the question. My interrogation technique is to interrupt these pauses with stern recommendations, such as “Stop thinking about the right answers and just answer the question” or “Nia, I don’t want to hear what sounds good. I want to hear what happened.” She will then begin to unravel the mystery for me, in vivid detail.

Suspect #2. Jalen.
“Jalen, are you jumping on the bed?”
“Yes.”
“Please don’t do that.”
“Okay.”
One day later…
“Jalen, are you jumping on the bed?”
“Yes.”
“Can you please stop jumping on the bed?”
“Ummm…. okay.”
One day later…
“Jalen, are you jumping on the bed?”
“Yes.”
“How many times do I need to tell you stop jumping on the bed?”
“Ummm… one?”
“But this is the third time, Jalen.”
“Okay… four times.”
“Can you please stop jumping on the bed, Jalen?”
“Oh… okay.”
One day later…
“Jalen, did you break your bed.”
“Yes.”

Suspect #3. Nicholas. Streetname, “Ice Cold” Cole. Two weeks ago this 3-year old suspect was brought into the bathroom for questioning. After removing a fully loaded Huggies pull-up, the suspect was asked whether the yellow, pungent liquid substance inside the pull-up was urine (streetname, “pee pee”). Suspect responded that no, it was not. When suspect was informed that the liquid was yellow, like the color of pee pee, suspect responded that it was not yellow. (Note: Suspect may be color blind… but curiously refers to yellow duckie as “yellow duckie”). When asked to smell the pull-up, suspected immediately responded… “Ewwww, stinky pee pee.” Ahhh, an admission of guilt. When asked if he was the one that pee peed in the pull-up, suspect responded, “Nope. Jalen did it.” Suspect then got into the bathtub, refusing to answer further questions until his legal counsel was present (as he washed away the evidence).

Yesterday suspect #3 entered parents’ room (aka Peterson precinct headquarters), with thumb in mouth. Suspect was asked whether he still sucks thumb. Suspect quickly departed the room without acknowledging the question, thumb still in mouth.

There are 8-million stories in parenting. Who knows what today’s tales will be…